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Health & Fitness

Senate Republicans Block Bill to Increase Minimum Wage

Senate Republicans Block Bill to Increase Minimum Wage:  Senate Republicans have voted against going ahead on a bill that would gradually increase the federal minimum wage from $7.25 an hour to $10.10 an hour.  Republicans explain that voting against a minimum wage increase will insure that America’s poorest citizens will not lose those treasured jobs that have allowed them to live below poverty level for all these years.

Pippa Middleton Accused of Wearing a False Bottom:  Pippa Middleton, who became famous for her derrière at her sister’s royal wedding three years ago, is being accused by an etiquette expert from Monaco of wearing a “false bottom” at that wedding.  One can only hope that somehow, we’ll eventually be able to get to the bottom of this. 

Australian Passenger Mistakes Cockpit Door for Toilet:  A drunken Australian passenger had to be restrained and then arrested after he mistook the cockpit door for the toilet on a Virgin Australia flight, triggering a hijack scare.  As bad as that sounds, its still a lot better than the pilot mistaking the bathroom for the cockpit.  Passengers who witnessed the fracas say he created a big stink.

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Manhattanite To Be Honored at Icelandic Penis Museum:  New York resident Jonah Falcon, who became a big internet celebrity after a documentary determined that his 13.5-inch penis is the largest ever measured, has agreed to allow his penis to be displayed after his death at the Icelandic Phallological Museum, also know as the Icelandic Penis Museum.  His penis is so large, the government has listed it in the “too big to fail” category, although some are insisting that those measurements may be “inflated.”  One thing’s for sure, after all this fame, he’s gonna be forced to make some hard career choices.  Biblical Scholars are quick to point out that this Jonah shouldn’t be confused with the Jonah in the Old Testament story  “Jonah and the Whale.”

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Chicago Approves Ban On Plastic Shopping Bags:  With the backing of Mayor Rahm Emanuel, Chicago has become the latest U.S. city to approve a ban on plastic shopping bags.  Hell, with all the murders in Chicago, perhaps they ought to look into reusable body bags if they really want to make a serious environmental impact.

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Michelangelo’s David Found to Have Weak Ankles:  Italian scientists say the 17-foot-high statue of David, considered one of Michelangelo’s great masterpieces and often described as the image of the perfect man, actually has weak ankles and could be vulnerable to collapse.  Yea, and if you look close enough, he also has a tinsy-winsy penis, but hey - the guy’s 500 years old - let’s cut him some slack.

Man Found Dead Inside a Fortune Cookie Dough Mixer:  The body of a 26-year-old man has been found dead inside an industrial fortune cookie dough mixer in Houston.  How unfortunate, but then again, his fortune did read "you will soon come into a lot of dough.”  One thing’s for sure, it’s going to cost a fortune to clean the machine out.

Christian Historian Says Denying Women Right to Vote Held Society Together:  David Barton, a “historian” Glenn Beck hired to teach at his online university, insists that women were originally denied the right to vote “to keep the family together,” and for the good of “the entire culture and society.”  At first I just assumed this guy was a quack, but then I learned that he has a prestigious “Masters of Misogyny” degree.  And for tomorrows lesson class, we will cover why slavery was good for for black people. 

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